Coal Black and the 7 Vertically Challenged People
by Skittle-aka-Coral
Summary: K so me and my friend wrote this for Drama a while back. We thought it was pretty funny...at the time...please R&R eh?
1. Default Chapter

A long time ago, and far away there lived a Queen and a Queen. They were very happy, except for one thing - they both longed for a test-tube baby.

The Queen say writing a suicide note by her window one winter's day when she suddenly got a terrible paper cut. A drop of blood fell on the snow by the window.

"Oh, I wish I had a daughter with skin as grey as coal, hair as greasy as pizza, and green, green lips like that scum under the sink," she sighed.

After that the Queen killed herself with a butter-knife and some dental floss. On Christmas that year a baby girl was born. How, we're still not sure.

The little Princess was called Coal Black and she grew to be a grotesque yet fair girl.

After many years the Queen never married again. She liked to use magic and had a magic mirror. She would say:

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the creepiest yet fairest of them all?"

And the mirror would answer:

"You, Queen, are the creepiest and yet fairest in the land."

The Queen was very proud.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall why am I always the best?"

"You are always the best because you killed all the women in the land except your lovers who are all really ugly!"

One day, the Queen spoke to the mirror as usual, but this time the answer was different.

"You, Queen, are pretty creepy, but the fairest of them all is Coal Black."

The Queen was very confused to hear this. She plotted and schemed and decided to kill Coal Black so she would again be the fairest and the creepiest.

"Bob," she said one day. "I want you to carry Coal Black kicking and screaming into the forest and kill her. Bring back her head to prove she is dead. Cool! I rhymed!"

"Yes, your Ugliness," said the weirdo, bowing. He was very happy to do this. He hated her and wanted her to be gay from day one.


	2. Failure, and the House

"Come," he said to Coal Black. "We are going into the forest," He carried Coal Black kicking and screaming deeper and deeper into the forest, then he grabbed her shoulder.

"Not my no no area!"

"Shut up food!"

"What are you talking about? Are you going to eat me?"

"Sorry, that was a typo."

"Awwwwwwwww."

"She wants you killed. Those were my orders and I want to kill you."

He laid her on top of a flat stone and tied her up. He closed his eyes and he lifted his axe and slammed it down. Opening his eyes he missed by a long shot.

"Wow, you suck man!" uttered Coal Black. He got mad and slammed the axe down really hard. His eyes filled with tears.

"I can't believe I did that!" he giggled.

Coal Black looked up to see the axe stuck in the hobo's leg. She started to laugh her head off. Getting up she ran away stumbling from laughing so hard. The hobo, was ashamed of what he did. So then he killed a small deer and took its head back to the Queen. The Queen was very pleased, (and also kind of slow). She was now the fairest and the creepiest in the land (of the DEER anyways...)

Meanwhile, Coal Black ran deeper and deeper into the forest. Finally, when it was growing dark, she came to a large mansion.

She knocked, but there was no one there.

"I wonder who lives here," she said. She pushed the French doors open.

What a sight met her eyes! The large mansion was very neat and tidy. Plates and cups were sitting nicely in the huge cupboard and the table was not still laid from breakfast. She was very surprised to find that there was seven hundred of everything: seven hundred cups, seven hundred plates, seven hundred knives, seven hundred forks and seven hundred beds and chairs.

She decided to throw a Greek wedding, which was sure to mess up the house, but never came to her attention. She went to town to ask two people to get married and round up some people for her, they agreed and went with her to the mansion.

All the people were dancing and drinking in the background. The ritual of sacrificing chickens was over but chickens were running around without heads. Just then she was pouring herself a couple of more dozen drinks cup hopped out of the it.

"Hi, my name is Crack," said the little fellow. Then all the cups and dishes got up and went to meet her.

"Who are you things?" Coal Black said drunkenly.

"We're your imagination talking to you," said the dishes.

"No your not, ya hippies!!" she said as she smashed them into pieces.

"UMPA!"

Coal Black was very tired, so since she was upstairs, in the newly messed up bedroom, she fell asleep on one of the beds covered with chips and smelly clothes.


	3. Meeting the Queen

"I'll find her myself'" howled the Queen, as she stubbed her toe on the corner of her refrigerator. Then, she stepped on a rake, and it hit her in the face. She used a little magic to make herself look very old, and the bruise on her forehead go away and then dressed herself in peasant clothes, but for some reason her magic would not work.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, why will my magic not work at all? I rhymed again!"

And the mirror answered:

"You Queen, are creepy looking already. You could not GET any creepier looking, except for if you looked like Coal Black. But you cannot cheat your way into winning."

"Well why not?" the Queen cried. "The Queen of Spain does it."

"If the Queen of Spain jumped off a bridge would you do it too?" the mirror countered.

"No, I guess not," the Queen mumbled.

So instead, the Queen went out and bought "My First Disguise Yourself to Look Like a Hag" Kit, and used all of the makeup in there. She didn't have any time to work on the poison after that, so she just whipped something together with a little nutmeg and oregano.

Coal Black was feeling much better, and wasn't depressed anymore and promised she would not talk to anyone. Several weeks passed and everybody felt safe.

The vertically challenged people went to work, and into the forest walked an old woman collecting rocks shaped like Joe Pesci's head.

A knock at the upstairs window took Coal Black to the upstairs window, where she saw an old woman up on a ladder collecting potatoes that looked like rocks, that looks like Joe Pesci's head.

"May I have all of your potatoes that look like rocks, that look like Joe Pesci's head?" asked the old woman.

"No, those are my special potatoes. I collect them too." Coal Black said.

"Well, then can you just get me a drink?" the old woman asked.

"There's no harm in that, seeing as you're already drunk. Wait there." She left, then came back and handed a beer to the woman.

"Thanks doll," then all of a sudden the old woman fell off of the ladder, and then climber back up. "Wow, that was a close one. I almost fell that time!"

"Great, now I have to kill her," the old woman screamed.

"What did you say?" Coal Black asked.

"Oh, crap. I meant to whisper that," said the old woman. "I have to go now."

Then the woman hurled a bag of flour to the ground, and the woman vanished behind the dust. But, once the smoke cleared, the woman was still standing there, eating an apple.

"Um....that didn't work right. Can you just close your eyes while I run away?"

"Oh, ok..." Coal Black said and closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, the woman was still standing there.

"I forgot to tell you, eat this apple!" the woman said.

"No thank you," said Coal Black.

"They're lovely and ripe," said the old woman. "Try some of mine." She cut a piece from the apple she was eating.

'It must be safe,' thought Coal Black. 'She's eating the apple too.'

The Queen had very cleverly poisoned just one half of the apple - the half she cut off for Coal Black.

Coal Black took one bite and...and...nothing happened.

"You will die in seven days!" the woman murmured.

The old woman turned back into the wicked Queen.

"This time your friends won't be able to help you. Peace out!" the Queen laughed as she grabbed her bling-bling.


	4. The Inevitable Happy Ending

The seven Spice People talked as they returned from the mine.

"I wonder if she's dead yet," Sporty wondered.

"I sure hope so!" Droopy sighed.

When they got home, they saw that Coal Black was still alive.

"Why won't you die? Die! You should be dead by now!" Pimpy yelled.

"Oh, don't worry. I'm going to die in seven days," Coal Black reported.

They all cheered.

** Eight Days Later....**

Coal Black was still alive. She decided to take a bath, to ease her mind from all the evil killing stuff.

The Spice People snuck into the bathroom while she was in the tub, and drown her.

They were very happy, as this was their first killing, since their first killing, and they couldn't bear the thought of burying her in the ground, so they made a glass coffin, so that they could see her rot, as she decayed.

They put it in a sunny glade, so that she would start to smell as she rotted. The people kept watch over it day after day, to make sure that nobody decided that they wanted to vandalize her casket. Coal Black seemed to be sleeping rather than dead. They could tell, because they could see her breathing. No one thought to just scream in her ear though. No! They're too GOOD for that!

The Queen had spoken to her mirror and was once again the creepiest in the land.

One day a young Prince rode through the forest on a giant anteater, as he swung a bag of gophers around above his head, and shouted, "I'm King of the world!" He reached the glade and saw Coal Black in her glass coffin.

"She's so hideous. But she's the best I can do. Plus, she's only newly dead, and she's naked!" he said and he could think of nothing else but Coal Black.

"She's not naked! She's wearing clothes!" Posh stated.

"I know, but I'm pictured her naked," the Prince screeched.

"She is so ugly," he said to the small people. "May I take her stinking, rotting, disgusting corpse with me. I promise I will always look after her."

The Spice's could see that the Prince meant it, and agreed, because they really didn't love her THAT much, and decided to ship off her hideous body with the total stranger. But the Prince couldn't stand to see the slaves of the Spice People touch her, and he started to cry.

"Don't touch her! She's just a little soggy, she's still good! She's still good!"

Just then, the Prince tripped and fell on top of her. This jolted her back to life.

The Prince was delighted, and the people were horrified.

"Will you marry me?" asked the Prince. They prepared to return to his kingdom, even without Coal Black's answer.

Meanwhile, the wicked Queen was looking in her mirror.

"You Queen, are creepy, but Coal Black with her Prince is the creepiest of all."

The mirror showed the Queen a picture of the Prince and Coal Black,

This time the Queen was so angry that all of a sudden her socks caught fire.

"I do believe I have Spontaneously Combusted," the Queen whined.

"Oh, good show old chap!" the mirror complimented.

"Oh great. This is just magical. Now I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world!" the Queen moaned.

"Stop copying Wizard of Oz!"

"Quick! Before I die! Pull my finger!" the Queen bellowed.

"Never!"


End file.
